The Importance and Impact of Peer Relationships

written by Bonnie Schultz for TeachMe TV®

What is a friend? There are so many different types of friendships we have during  our lifetime, but when we think of a friend, what are the defining qualities or characteristics that make someone a friend? And for our children, what effects do other children have on their daily actions and behaviors? How important are peer relationships at an early age?

 A friend, as defined by the Oxford English dictionary is “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.” For children, that definition still stands but must be expanded to include peer relationships that contribute to a child’s social/emotional development through modeling, social interaction, and strong emotional bonds. As our children grow, the role of peers in development cannot be overstated.

Children learn from their friends, and especially at the stages when development can widely vary, peer interaction is a huge factor in their growth. When young children play with peers, they learn vital aspects of social behavior such as how to express themselves, share toys and take turns, control impulses and to develop and apply empathy in their interactions. Children also look to their peers for guidance on what types of attitudes to have. In the school environment, peers can also encourage each other to succeed when facing academic challenges.

Another major benefit is when peers motivate a child to try something that they wouldn’t normally try. Academically motivated children, for example, who live in a strong sports-oriented community might feel encouraged to play sports such as baseball just because all their friends are doing it. I’m sure we’ve all experienced the “David is going to the game; I want to go too! I can do my homework after!” statement.

While peer influence tends to occur generally outside of the realm of parental control, you might want to consider the following factors:

§  Social environment: To the greatest possible extent, you want to make sure that your child is in an environment that positively affects your child. The values that are expressed by your child’s friends and their families should reflect your own values. Therefore, as a parent, it is critical that you know who your child is hanging out with.

§  Age/developmental stage: As a child matures, peer influence grows while parental influence weakens.  By the time your child becomes a teenager, peer influence will be quite strong. However, that doesn’t mean that you should abdicate your role as a parent. You will still need to know their friends, know what they’re up to, and enforce discipline such as taking away their car for a week if they come home after curfew.

§   Family/home environment: A child needs a strong, loving relationship as a basis from which they grow and develop. Dr. Usha Ramachandran, pediatrician and Professor of Pediatrics at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, says “A young child needs a close relationship with the parent(s). The pediatric literature calls this early relational health. We are learning more and more about how crucial it is in terms of cognitive/emotional development.” Dr. Ramachandran feels that this strong relationship guards against negative peer influence and builds resilience, affording children a strong sense of themselves and precluding them from having to look too excessively to the outside world for self-worth.

According to Gail Miszur, retired psychiatric nurse, “A child’s peers are the next best thing outside of family as they expose the child to other things. Unless you have a twin, when you’re out in the world, your peers, and whatever they expose you to, enlarge your world and your choices.”  Miszur recalled that when she was seven, she and her family moved to a new neighborhood, and she met someone from her block. When she told her parents the girl’s name, their reaction was that she wasn’t the same religion that they were, to which she responded, “What difference does that make?” Miszur recalled that her new neighbor was nice and fun to play with, and her parents never said anything negative about her again. “Kids have their own point of view,” says Miszur, “and outside family, you’re exposed to kids who don’t have the same stories, and can see other perspectives of things that don’t work for you. My value is the more kids you know, the better able you are to succeed in the world. If you know just what your family knows, you’re handicapped.”

Miszur suggests open communication with your child to determine how they are doing in school. Sometimes a child is having trouble making friends or doesn’t seem to have “peers,” and there may be specific issues with that child. “Talk to the teacher,” she says, “is there something the child does that turns other kids off, or are the other kids in class more advanced or meaner, to explain why the child is not entering into friendships? Can the teacher give you an idea as to how to figure it out?”

 If there is something about your child that’s different, perhaps the teacher can tell you. If you know the other parents, invite a child over for a playdate and see how they interact. If your child is more academically ahead of the other children, perhaps they are misplaced in their current classroom.

“There are all sorts of possibilities,” says Miszur. “Even if there isn’t a specific problem, you’re entitled to contact the teacher and ask ‘how is my kid doing? What is my kid doing on the playground during recess?’” Miszur feels that the parent should also ask their child a lot of questions, such as “how is your teacher?” “Who did you play with today?” Some children don’t realize that their feelings are important and/or aren’t used to having those feelings validated.

Miszur says, “The more you get your child to talk to you, the more you learn about their experiences and can have a teachable moment.”

Monitoring Peer Relationships  

                 

While a child’s peer relationships and friendships are vital to their social development, you may want to monitor them without being too intrusive or controlling. Here are a few useful tips:

• Get to know your child’s friends: If you don’t know a child that your child wants to have over for a playdate, have them over and get to know them. If you don’t like one of your child’s friends, try not to express your dislike to your child.  If you’re not comfortable with the friend, keep the playdates and sleepovers at your house. If you forbid a friendship, be aware that it may make your child hide the friendship from you. However, if you do need to end a friendship because of serious issues such as bullying or other inappropriate behavior, try to fill your child’s time with fun activities as you help them navigate finding other more compatible or kinder friends. (If you do not like how a friend is treating your child, see the next tip.)

• Talk to your child about their social interactions: As Gail Miszur stated above, communication is key. If you have a situation whereby a child is concerned about an interaction with a peer or peers, you can “talk it out.” Encourage them to discuss how a playdate went. As an example, one of my students recently claimed that he couldn’t use “big words” in writing because he was afraid other children would call him a nerd. I talked to him about the situation and tried to gently steer him to the realization that his accomplishments and being true to himself are more important than what other children said about him. Rather than ask a child about whether they would rather be successful in school, you might have a more profound impact by encouraging them to arrive at the same realization themselves.

• Help them to be kind in social situations: Model empathy in your own actions as a parent. Make suggestions such as if your child sees another child sitting alone, they should ask them to play. Perform acts of kindness for friends and neighbors and involve your child in charitable or civic endeavors such as helping deliver meals-on-wheels, working at a soup kitchen or clearing brush from local parks.

• Structure playdates: Discuss playdates with your child about whom to get together with. As they grow, they may plan playdates more independently but could still need some assistance in the early elementary school years. Model good social behavior yourself by getting together with friends and families and talking positively of others.

• Allow your child to pick their own friends. And beware of over-controlling the friendships your child has. There has been a tendency in the last decade or so, especially in the suburbs, for parents to build their own friendships around the parents of their children’s friends. Whether or not this is appropriate would take another entire blog post, but just be aware that some parents can be overly controlling and not allow their kids to navigate toward independent friendships, preferring that their kids be friends with their friends’ kids only. Don’t be that parent!

• Encourage them to take another’s perspective: If your child enjoys a toy, game, or activity, ask them if they think one of their friends would enjoy it. “Is that something Andrew might like?” lets them consider another point of view besides their own and initiates putting themselves into someone else’s shoes. If you are reading a book to them, periodically ask questions as to why they think a character has acted a certain way.

 

Peer-to-Peer Learning with TeachMe TV®

Given the research on peer influence, student-centered learning has gained popularity in recent years. As a result, some schools have shifted their classroom methodology away from teacher-centered to student-centered or constructivist learning with small group and project-based activities that involve students in curriculum planning, implementation and assessments. 

TeachMe TV was developed with the understanding that peers are as important to kids’ learning as their teachers and parents. Here at TeachMe TV, along with all the learning sound interactive activities, video games, and video lessons, we have included lessons from kids who are just like other kids from all over the country and from regions around the world. TeachMe TV recognizes the importance of good role models no matter their age.  When your child watches video lessons in subjects such as science, dance, math, writing and music, or of creative activities such as making your own Barbie clothes or body scrub, they can learn from their peers.

Because of this innovative approach to peer learning,  TeachMe TV® was a finalist for the Cool Tool Awards for “Best E-learning” and “Best Parent/Student Solution” and a Trendsetter Award (finalist) as part of The EdTech Awards 2023 from EdTech Digest. TeachMe TV® has also won a Telly Award for our Kids Teaching Kids series.

In short, children love to learn from other children, and peer learning has been proven to yield many outstanding benefits. At TeachMe TV, try watching one or more of the Kids Teaching Kids videos that are categorized according to grade level and subject. They offer a diverse number of topics to appeal to all children. And after watching the video, have a fun discussion about what your child learned.

Friends are a necessary part of growing up and of having a healthy adult social life as well. Friends, as research has shown help us to stay healthy and vital, make us feel known and add joy to our lives. For our children, friends help shape them just as their families do.  As parents, it’s our job to help them nurture and sustain friendships but also help them evaluate whether a friendship is healthy for them too.  Soon our children’s friends will have a more prominent place in their lives and the safety and value of those friendships becomes ever more important.   Here’s to helping our kids form strong, healthy bonds that encourage them to grow and develop strong friendships.

Written by Bonnie Schultz for TeachMe TV®, Inc.

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